Bonds That Break
by morgana07
Summary: Sam considers what happened after events in Heaven when he's forced to face that even the strongest bonds can break with one simple loss between the brothers. Angsty!Sam / Angst/tired!Dean This is set at the end of DSOTM after one of the most heart breaking scenes ever.
1. Chapter 1

**Bonds That Break**

**Summary: **_Sam considers what happened after events in Heaven when he's forced to face that even the strongest bonds can break with one simple loss between the brothers. Angsty!Sam / Angst/tired!Dean /This is set at the end of DSOTM after one of the most heart breaking scenes ever._

**Tags: **_This is tagged to 05x16:Dark Side of the Moon_

**Spoilers: **_Only if you haven't seen Season 5 or DSOTM yet._

**Warnings: **_None really except for some minor language._

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own anything to do with Supernatural. I merely write for the enjoyment._

**SPN SPN SPN**

**Sam's POV:**

"_It finally happened. The one thing that I really never thought would finally happened and I honestly don't know what to do to fix it._

"_Dean and I've been through Hell, literally in his case, ever since the night I was six months old, but I grew up knowing that no matter what I could always count on my big brother…just like I thought he knew he could count on me. Now…now I don't know what to think or what he'll do._

"_Growing up like we did, never knowing when or if Dad would come back from a hunt or if a school or CPS official would get too smart, it was natural that we depended on one another. Well, I depended on Dean. My big brother has always pretty much depended on himself from what was really too young or so Pastor Jim used to say when he and Dad didn't know I was listening._

"_I grew up idolizing my brother. Dean was nearly everything I wanted to be when I was small and then as I grew older I tried more and more to distance myself from what he was becoming because I didn't want to hunt but that never meant I stopped looking up to him._

"_The Christmas he was twelve I gave him the little gold amulet I'd gotten from Bobby. It was originally meant for Dad but after he didn't come home and I learned the truth that everyone had been keeping from me I gave it to Dean because he was the one who was at least trying to make everything normal for me. That little gold amulet…is or was what really bonded us. I felt it really made us close because he liked it and swore he'd never take it off. He didn't…except for three times._

"_The first…Dean didn't take it off. I did. I took it off my brother the day I buried him after his deal came due and he went to Hell for four months. I was already a wreck after seeing my brother tore to shreds in front of me and being unable to stop it but it take that off him was nearly as hard. I wore it for the four months that he was gone and I still can see the relief in his eyes the night I gave it back to him. I felt better too because Dean wearing that amulet felt right. It was back where it belonged and it made me feel like things would be good again. So what did I know?_

"_The second time Dean took it off was when Castiel asked…more like demanded it, from him so he could find God. Dean didn't want to give it up but Castiel can be persuasive when he wants to be and I still can feel the pain that I felt when I saw my brother lay it in Cas's hand with orders not to lose it. Maybe I should've seen what happened next because it was after giving up the amulet that things really started going bad between us and that finally led to the last time my brother held the amulet._

"_I won't say that Dean and I have been perfect brothers over the years because while I've idolized him and loved him (though he will never let me say that) we've also fought a hell of a lot. He grew up listening to Dad's every word, he grew up excepting what Dad wanted from us and I…didn't, so that caused a lot of issues but he always had my back. No matter what, I knew he would have because the bond we had as brothers was stronger than the fights. Even when I left for college he did what he could for me._

"_He traded his soul and life for me, he went to Hell and I know he said before that night came due that he didn't regret it…that he didn't blame me…I wonder now if he does because it was after he came that the strains in that bond began to show._

"_Oh, I know I screwed up those four months and I know Dean lost a lot of faith and trust in me when he came back and learned about Ruby, that I'd been using those powers and…about the demon blood. We've been strained to breaking more than once but even after all that, all the crap with the Angels, the demons, that damn Siren…we were strained but I could trust that the bond we shared as brothers would still hold. That my big brother would still be there for me._

"_I believed it, made myself believe it…until twelve hours ago when it all came crashing down with a thud that barely made an audible sound but was like a bomb going off in my ears because I watched that bond fall from Dean's hand into the motel trashcan and knew that everything I was holding onto, everything that I had ever believed in could very well be gone._

"_Ever since I let Lucifer loose, Dean and I've been on edge with each other. We tried working apart but that didn't work well…at least it didn't for me. I still feel the heart wrenching terror I felt when my brother told me that we were better off apart and I will never tell him what happened in between that time and when he called me next. Not that I think he'd care now._

"_I was still struggling over the last time locked in the Panic Room after that damn encounter with Famine brought back the urge for the demon blood. So much in my head, so much that I know wasn't real when all I really wanted was my brother but I guess I know why he stayed away. I let myself fall into that so I was on my own to get over it and I was surprised that he was outside the door when I finally came to. Maybe it was still my head being mixed up from that and the whole dead coming back to life, including Bobby's wife, that I missed it. I missed it until it was too late._

"_We'd been back on the road at some motel when two hunters jumped us. I knew eventually it would get out to the hunting community what I was, what I did but I'd prayed that it would never hurt Dean. I was wrong because it did…literally when Roy and Walt shot us both and sent us to…Heaven I suppose or what Castiel said was supposed to be our versions of Heaven._

"_I didn't see Dean's first image. His second was of when he was young…with Mom. I never begrudged his time or his love for Mom because he'd had her for four years where I was only six months old when she died but it wasn't until a little while ago that I understood what had happened. Dean saw my 'Heaven' and if he'd given me a chance a explain I could've told him that those weren't the images I would've chosen if I'd been picking 'em._

"_Zachariah picked those images to hurt us. He made Dean think that my most important memories didn't include him because he knew that would hurt my brother the most since all of Dean's life he's given up stuff for me. Seeing the Thanksgiving I spent at someone else's house or when I ran away to Flagstaff…those were memories sure but not the most vital ones I had. Not the ones that I would've shared._

"_Those always included Dean because my brother was everything. The biggest memory I would've shared was the Fourth of July that we burned a field with that box of fireworks…or when he taught me to drive or when he chose to hang out with me on his twenty-first birthday rather than go out. Those are what I would've showed him but I knew…I knew that goddamn Angel needed to force one more wedge between us and…it worked._

"_When we got…back after Joshua gave us that final message I felt the change. Ignoring that we'd learned that we'd both been dead before but made to forget it was one thing. It was harder to see the desolation, the loss of hope building in Dean considering I knew what was riding him._

"_Dean's greatest strength, other than our bond as brothers, has always been his belief in me, in us, in that strength that united us. Ever since he got back from Hell, every little doubt about me that the Angels put in his head, everything he still hid from me about Hell, the hurt and pain he feels about the changes in me…the guilt has tore him to pieces and I can see how very close to that edge he'd getting and it scares me. Then it finally happened. The day came that the bond between us was finally stretched so thin that it broke._

"_Castiel, angry that God had pretty much said to leave him alone, gave Dean back the amulet. I watched my brother, waiting for him to put it back on and I think I knew when I saw his eyes as he looked at it that he'd given up. _

"_After everything in our lives, after everything he'd always done for me, after believing in me for so long, believing in us as brothers…he'd given up…on it and me. I watched that amulet fall into the trashcan and the thud was so loud in my ears that I could only stare at it even as Dean was walking away._

"_I suppose a piece of me is still surprised that he didn't leave me at the motel but I was still staring into the trashcan at that amulet, at that tiny little thing that had always meant so much to him, when he came back to tell me to get a move on it._

"_He's not saying much which tells me he's hurt and pissed at the same time so I keep my mouth shut because in this phase it doesn't take much to set him off and I don't want him to make that next decision. I don't want him to decide to take off on his own again because no matter what he feels I still feel like I always have. Dean's my big brother and no matter what the Angels or demons do, I'll have his back…even if he doesn't trust me to have his._

"_We've stopped to get something to eat. I let Dean go inside while I wait in the car. I feel what's in my jacket pocket and just let it run through my fingers. I know every tiny inch of it since I used to do this when he was in Hell too. I couldn't leave it in the trash. I'd given it to Dean because he was my brother, because I knew the amulet was special. He's given up on us, on me, but I haven't so I'll hang onto it and pray with what faith I still have that one day he'd forgive what I've done and let me be his brother again._

"_I'll put the amulet away until the day comes when Dean's ready to take it again because no matter if the bond's broke right now I'll go to my grave trying to fix it and regain Dean's trust. I may lose to Lucifer but it won't be until I've fixed this mess with Dean because he'll always be my brother, the guy who raised me, who taught me what I know and who taught me that some bonds are stronger than others and I still believe in him."_

Sam Winchester closed the small journal he'd been writing in and stuffed into an inside jacket pocket while giving the other object another squeeze as if drawing strength from it just as the driver's side door opened and the smell of strong coffee and too much grease hit him.

"No salads or anything green but I got the healthiest looking thing in that dive," Dean commented while slamming his door and not missing the way his younger brother winced. "That okay?"

Slipping the object from his jacket into the pocket of his jeans, Sam merely nodded while taking what was held out to him. "Yeah," he murmured, still seeing the amulet dropping and fighting not to show the inner pain. "Bobby call?"

"Yeah, got word of some demons up in Montana so I told him we'd check into it," Dean replied, starting the Impala but paused before putting it in gear to gaze at Sam and read the tension just by the way he was edged up against the passenger door. "Sam…" he began then stopped, deciding that it was a tired argument after all they'd seen there but still a part of him hurt to see his brother so quiet when he knew the cause of it.

"So…we going?" Sam asked after awhile, keeping his eyes on the dashboard rather than glance over; not wanting to see any further look of grim loss in green eyes that he'd grown up watching to gauge his brother's moods.

Hesitating briefly as if in doubt Dean finally nodded, put the Impala in gear to head for Montana in search of the next would-be catastrophe in their lives all the while thinking back to a motel trashcan and what he'd left behind…

**Author Note: **_Probably won't be the last thing I write for this since that last scene in DSOTM bugged me for obvious reasons. I also normally don't do first person POV often cause sometimes it feels strained but Sam felt like chattering. I hope you enjoyed this and…we'll see what Dean really thinks of what he did._


	2. Chapter 2

**Bonds That Break**

**Dean's POV:**

"_Rash, hardheaded, quick to act without thinking, a muleheaded son of a bitch…just a few things that I've been called over the years. I never really agreed with 'em until now…until I did something that I can't take back no matter how hard I try._

"_Sam's asleep…finally and that's when I can also finally let the wall down that I've been keeping up since leaving that goddamn motel. Since doing something so stupid, so damn reckless and…fine I'll say it, heartless. _

"_We're in another motel on the way to Montana. I was going to drive straight through since we've got nothing left to lose but Sammy was too quiet so I decided to call it a night and I guess if I had any doubts about what I did the fact that Sam was laying on his stomach sound asleep by the time I got the bags inside got rid of 'em pretty damn quick._

"_My little brother…all 6'4" of him still has certain tells that I can read and when he sleeps on his stomach he'd either sick, drunk, or hurt. I know it's a little of both sick and hurt and I also know it's my fault because I'm the one who just pretty much told him that I'd given up on him…I'd given up on us as brothers. Which was something I never thought would happen._

"_I'd been looking after Sam pretty much since our Mom let me hold him that first time and he latched onto my finger. I made sure he couldn't choke on his toys, I always checked his crib for baby brother eating monsters. I would make Mom measure him everyday to be sure he was growing and every night I'd tell him that I'd always look after him because he was my baby brother._

"_I did that. I looked after Sam every damn day of his life, especially after the fire that killed Mom, after Dad went obsessive and changed our lives. I made sure Sam had as normal a life as was possible until he was eight and he learned the truth. Then I could only do damage control but it was that year that he gave me the amulet for Christmas._

"_Bobby had given it to Sam for Dad but when Sammy learned the truth, when he learned what Dad did and that Dad hadn't even tried to make it back for Christmas he gave it to me and it was always the best thing I'd ever gotten. A tiny little gold amulet that I don't even know what Bobby called it but Sam had given it to me and I swore never to take it off._

"_Sam and I bonded closer because of the life we led but that amulet also made that bond stronger because it was a real gift and it made Sam happy that I liked it and would wear it. I always wore it. Even on hunts when Dad said to take it off I wouldn't. I just slipped it inside my shirt because somehow I felt like if I took it off I'd lose something…and it would hurt Sam so I never did._

"_I always protected Sam. From monsters, witches, school bullies, Dad when he was in a mood or from Sammy himself when he felt like self destructing at times but I always had his back and I knew that he'd have mine no matter how much he hated to hunt._

"_Oh, we fought. Sam is way too much like Dad which means the kid is stubborn so we had fights but that never meant I didn't…love him (there I said it) or that I would ever stop watching out for him. I did that up until he left for college and then I still swung by to check on him…though I'd choke before ever telling him that._

"_After we started hunting together again, it was the same. He was my pain in the ass little brother but I'd kill anyone who touched him. It was still that way when I made the deal. I never regretted it. I never regretted making the deal to save Sam's life even if I did regret not making certain to take precautions to shield him after I was gone._

"_I know Sam thinks I regret it, that I blame him for Hell and what happened to me in it but I don't. To this day, even after what's happened, I don't blame him. I blame Ruby, Lillith, Alastair…me for what happened to my brother._

"_Sam changed in those four months or forty years Hell time that I was gone. He changed to protect himself, to make himself into the perfect hunter, to be the hunter that he thought I was. He let Ruby in to do that and that was where it all went wrong…where I was wrong._

"_I taught Sam all he knew but I didn't teach him all that I knew because I never wanted my brother to go down that path. I never taught him everything Dad wanted me to teach him because I didn't want my little brother to ever become that cold, that suspicious, that…deadly because Sam led with his heart and that's what I wanted… even at the end that's what I wanted._

"_Did it hurt to see what happened to him while I was gone? Yeah. Did I hate it when I learned about Ruby, about him using those damn powers, or when I found out she'd gotten him hooked on demon blood? Hell, yeah it did but I couldn't tell Sam why it did. I couldn't tell him how much I blamed Dad and myself so I took it out on him._

"_Hell did a number on me and I still haven't told Sammy everything so I haven't been a good judge of anything since getting back. Every damn thing Cas or the Angels put in my head about Sam, about him going dark side was just made worse by all the secrets, the lies that have been building between us._

"_That fight between us before Lucifer got out really strained that bond but I still fought for him. I saw the fear in his eyes in that monastery in_ _Maryland then I saw the hurt when I told him that I didn't know if I could trust him. Yeah, I regretted those words the second I said 'em but I couldn't take 'em back…just like I can't take this back._

"_We've been on the defensive since then and Sammy and I've been strained to breaking. I let him go to hunt alone and despite that little time trip crap Zach pulled I know something else happened with Sam. I'd hurt him by saying we were better off alone but he was too shaky the next time I called him. He was too…pale and jumpy the next few weeks after we got back together so he'd hiding things from me but if I know my kid brother it's because he thinks I won't care. He's wrong because I will still rip the lungs outta anyone who touches him._

"_Ever since Hell it seems like everything is just hitting us. I am so tired of it all that it would be easy to give in to Zachariah, to say yes and that's a constant thought now especially after our little trip to Heaven thanks to Roy and Walt…and I really need to kill those two assholes for touching my brother but that's…for later._

"_Do I think that I've grown weaker since Hell? I'm not sure. I know I'm not the same as I was before then but I'm not stupid enough to know a lot of this isn't pressure from one side or the other to push me and Sam apart. I've been self destructing since Jo and Ellen. To the point that I let Sam nearly do the same. I didn't see how tired or weak he was until Famine brought back his addiction._

"_The first time I locked my brother in the Panic Room, I listened to Bobby and Cas. I left him alone in that damn room to dry out and I wasn't there to stop what happened next because I'd been fed so many lies. This time Sammy thinks the same thing, that I wasn't there because I was outside when he woke up but what Sam doesn't remember is the week that I was in that room with him._

"_The full week of screaming, thrashing, being sick and so much else that he will never know and that I won't forget. I let Sam think he was alone because it's easier than facing some of what we'd have to if he knew I was there and because I know he'd think I was ashamed of him._

"_I'm not ashamed of Sam. I'm not disappointed in him. I'm just…tired. Tired of both Heaven and Hell jerking us around…and this just shows how easy that is to do. We'd crashed, gotten ambushed by two dimwits and sent to Heaven. Sam's memories…hurt. I won't say they didn't but I also can't say I trust 'em either. The big brother in me was hurt that those memories that were supposed to be Sam's best didn't even include me while the more logical side is saying not to trust 'em since Zach was behind it._

"_Zachariah wants me and Sam split, he wants to hurt my brother and maybe he did that. Being so damn tired, so worn out from everything that seeing what I did, Sam's memories, my memories, that thing what was supposed to be our Mom…to finally Joshua's message that when we got back and Cas handed me back the amulet my reaction was…stupid. _

"_I was hurt and I wanted to hurt back. I was tired. We'd been fighting to save the world and everything, every little doubt I had over my brother just hit and I dropped the amulet that was the strongest link we had between up in the trash then walked away. I'd seen Sam's face in the mirror as I left the room and I saw the heartbreaking pain on that kid's face but I couldn't care. A huge part of me right then could've driven off without him but I didn't…I would not bring myself to that point._

"_Sam was still staring at that trashcan when I went back for him and he's been quiet ever since. We stopped at a diner for dinner but he wouldn't go in. He stayed in the Impala while I got the stuff. I saw him writing in that little journal he doesn't know I know he's keeping then when I went back out he just curled against his door as if not knowing what I'd do. What could I do? I'd already hurt him._

"_The bond between us finally broke when I dropped that amulet and I know he's hurting because of that. He thinks I won't have his back if it comes down to it. Would I? He's still my little brother. I don't care about Hell, about Lucifer…Sammy's my brother and I will do what I need to in order to keep him safe._

"_Do I regret what I did? Do I wish I could go back twenty-four hours and change it? Yeah, but I can't. While in that diner I called the motel and the manager said that nothing was found in the trash. My rash act to hurt might've just cost me what faith in me Sam still had because I broke the bond by tossing that little amulet away, the one thing that always reminded me of my brother and of what united us against the world._

"_Can I make it right? Not sure, but I'll try and maybe…one day I'll find it again. I will find a way to get that amulet back and make it right between me and Sammy and I will feed the next demon or Angel their lungs if they try to hurt him because even though we've both been played, even though we've both been made to doubt and mistrust the other…we're brothers and some bonds…even when broke can heal. It might just take time."_

"…De'n?"

"Yeah, sorry, Sam. Just needed to check something in Dad's journal," Dean closed the book he'd been writing in to toss it back into his duffel before going over to lay down on the bed closest to the door while gazing at the other bed to see that Sam was watching him through sleepy hazel eyes. "Didn't mean to wake you."

Yawning, Sam seemed to want to say something then thought better of it for a moment. "We good?" he asked quietly almost hesitantly, knowing the answer but needing to hear it anyway.

Closing his eyes for a long moment as if he wasn't going to answer, Dean heard the other bed squeak as his brother shifted to his side so he was facing away from Dean and he bit his lip before he sighed. Pushing up, he leaned over to lay a careful hand on the back of his brother's neck to offer a gentle squeeze much like he would when they were younger and didn't miss the shaking which made Dean's guilt triple.

"We're…good, Sammy," he finally replied, staying still until he was sure Sam was back to sleep then laid back down to sleep while trying to forget the recent days and the pain in Sam's eyes that Dean knew he'd work until he was dead again to relieve. "I'm sorry, Sammy."

The whisper went unheard as the Winchesters slept on with their own dreams, memories and hopes of a broken bond that wound one day be renewed.

**The End**

**Author Note: **_I have to think that a part of Dean regrets tossing the amulet and hurting his brother. One tiny little thing is such a huge thing between them so I usually try to bring it into most of the stories I write for the boys. I hope you guys enjoyed this one._


End file.
